Editor's Page

No joke here:  The USPS is going to unveil a Commemorative Stamp for Jimi on March 13, 2014.  The editor had the honor of playing drums with Jimi twice; he will never forget The Experience!

"Bad Banana"

Only The Brits!

Sent in by my cousin:

Father Guido Sarducci Explains the Afterlife

Chanukah and Thanksgiving at the same time?

Thanksgiving will be on Chanukah this year!

Chanukah will be on Thanksgiving this year.

Thanksgiving is set as the fourth Thursday in November, meaning the latest it can be is 11/28.  11/28 is also the earliest Chanukah can be.

The Jewish calendar repeats on a 19- year cycle, and Thanksgiving repeats on a 7-year cycle.  You would therefore expect them to coincide roughly every 19x7 = 133 years.

Looking back, this is approximately correct – the last time it would have happened is 1861.  However, Thanksgiving was only formally established by President Lincoln in 1863.  So, it has never happened before.

Why won't it ever happen again?

The reason is because the Jewish calendar is very slowly getting out of sync with the solar calendar, at a rate of 4 days per 1000 years.

This means that while presently Chanukah can be as early as 11/28, over the years the calendar will drift forward, such that the earliest Chanukah can be is 11/29.  The next time Chanukah falls  on 11/28 is 2146, which is a Monday.  Therefore, 2013 is the only time Chanukah will ever overlap with Thanksgiving.

Of course, if the Jewish calendar is never modified in any way, then it will slowly move forward through the Gregorian calendar, until it loops all the way back to where it is now.  So, Hanukkah would again fall on Thursday, 11/28 ... in the year 79,811.   Given our trajectory with global warming, it is fair to say humans won’t be here then.  And if there are no humans, the holidays will be cancelled.

So on November 28th 2013, enjoy your turkey and your latkes.  It has never happened before, and it will never happen again.

Body Art photos

First game of golf

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the Wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:  Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side under the broken window.

A large black man sitting on the coach asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh ... yeah, sir.  We're very sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary.  Actually I want to thank you.  You see, I am a genie, and I have been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.  Now that you have released me, I am allowed to grant three wishes.  I will give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I will keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great," the husband said.  He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "Your wish is granted.  It is the least I can do. And I will guarantee you a long, healthy life.  And now you, young lady; what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home, complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said.  "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the husband asked.  And the wife continued, "What's your wish, genie?"

"Well since I have been trapped in that bottle and have not been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses.  What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind. But what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.  "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstair, where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.  The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over, looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?

This is an open letter to the so-called Red States.  This letter became a big hit following the Presidential Election of 2012, and made its way around the country.  Nobody knows how long it has been in circulation.  Your editor saw it circulating as far back as 2008, when President Obama won his first term.

Dear Red States:

We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve decided we’re leaving.

We in the Blue States intend to form our own country. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon [although Oregon has petitioned for secession since President Obama was re-elected], Washington, Minnesota, Colorado, Michigan, Illinois, New Mexico, and the rest of the Northeast.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of the Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.).

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren.  You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.

We get the Statue of Liberty.  You get Opryland.

We get Intel and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard.  You get Ole Miss.

We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.  You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue.  You get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.  You get a bunch of single moms.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Princeton, Cal Tech, and MIT.

With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

38% of those in the Red States believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% say that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.

We’re taking the good weed, too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.


Citizens of the Enlightened States of America (E.S.A.)

Found on a Facebook Wall

The human body

The human body is a machine full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

1. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream.

2. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.

3. The smallest is the male sperm.

4. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

6. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

7. A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

8. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

9. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

10. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica.

11. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

12. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

13. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

14. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

15. There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

16. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

17. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

18. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.

19. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.

22. At this very moment I know full well you are putting this last fact to the test ...  now, remove your thumb from your nose and tell your friends about The Humor Mill.