SN’s Goodies

Every so often, a dear friend will send so many good jokes they deserve their own page on The Mill.  To preserve their anonymity, we refer to them by their initials.  This, the page called SN’s Goodies came into being.  Here now the excellent verbal and visual contributions from SN.


Fore!

SN sent this one; your editor (that's me!) had to drop everything and clean up the formatting, and post it immediately.  We hope you enjoy it!

One day during a game on the golf course I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay?"

"I'm fine thanks," I replied.  "My names Jack," I said and introduced myself.

"Jack, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later," she suggested.

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty and very persuasive.

"Well okay," I finally agreed and added "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, she insisted that I remove my clothes so she could give me a massage. Afterwards, I thanked my hostess for the exhilarating session I had with her.

"I feel a lot better now but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth replied with a smile, "She won't know a thing. Where is she, anyway?"

"Under the cart!" I  said...


Photo Play:  Cats Who Hide
Admittedly, some cats are very good at hiding.  Then there are cats who are not so good at hiding and, finally, cats who think they are hidden and aren't.  We've got all types in this study of the felines who hide.















THE NAVY WINE TASTER

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died.  The director started an immediate search for a new taster to hire...

A retired Chief Petty Officer, under the influence of alcohol, with a ragged, soiled look, came to apply for the position.

The director wondered how to send him away.  So to appease him, they gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old Chief tried it, saying, "It's a Muscat three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.  Low grade, with an acceptable bouquet."

"That's correct," said the boss.  "Another glass, please."

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, grown on a south-western slope, aged in oak barrels, matured at eight degrees.  Requires three more years for finest results."

"Absolutely correct." declared the boss.  "A third glass please."

''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade, very exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished and winked at his secretary to suggest something.  She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old Navy Chief tried it and replied ... "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don't get the job, I'll name the father."


What Goes Up A Hill With Three Legs?

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.  "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.   Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!


Contemporary Philosophers

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.  ~ John Glenn

When the white missionaries came to Africa, they had the Bible and we had the land.  They said 'Let us pray.'  We closed our eyes.  When we opened them, we had the Bible, and they had the land.  ~ Desmond Tutu

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.  ~ David Letterman

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire ... I'm a billionaire.  ~ Howard Hughes

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box.  ~ Italian proverb

Men are like linoleum floors.  Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.  ~ Betsy Salkind

The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.  ~ Jean Kerr

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.  ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels but your car doesn't

~ Jeff Foxworthy

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.  ~ Emo Philips

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.  ~ Harrison Ford

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.  ~ Spike Milligan

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until he's proven broke.  ~ Robin Hall

Kill one man and you're a murderer, but kill a million and you're a conqueror.  ~ Jean Rostand

Having more money doesn't make you happier.  I have $50-million, but was just as happy as when I had only $48-million.  ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

We are here on earth to do good unto others.  What the others are here for, I have no idea.   ~ WH Auden

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.  ~ Johnny Carson

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.  ~ Arthur C. Clarke

Home cooking: Where many a man thinks his wife is.  ~ Jimmy Durante

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.  ~ Doug Hamwell

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.  ~ George Roberts

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.  ~ Jonathan Winters

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.  ~ SNG


Senior pick-up line...

You should really be over sixty to even be allowed to read the story below. If you're not, just save it and read it again when you are old enough to appreciate it.

A rather elderly gentleman (mid-80's) walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.  He is very well-dressed, smelling slightly of an expensive after-shave, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, shoes shined and no walker.

He presents a suave, well-looked-after image.

Seated at the bar is an elderly (70-ish) fine-looking lady. The gentleman walks over, sits along-side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says:

"So tell me good looking, do I come here often?"


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

And you wonder what goes on in courtrooms!

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go  to?

WITNESS: Oral...

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

____________________________________________

And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Philosophy for the Ages (or Aged?)

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 68.  I'm so happy, because I live at number 72.  So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.  And, it's the same side of the street.  I don't even have to cross the road!

Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.  I am making some changes in my life.  Please leave a message after the beep.

If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:  "With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"


Two Old Friends

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Bob, "That'll  be us in ten years."

He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit."


Par for the Course!

Dedication and Focus

It was later reported that his wife got out safely, and that he did indeed par the hole.  He says the divorce isn't going to be that bad, now that there's no house involved!!!


Altered Words

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are the winners (a few of which might be very useful here ):

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an a.s.s.hole.

3. Intaxicaton:  Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.):  The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon:  It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.):  The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido:  All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.):  The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.):  Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.):  The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.  And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. - The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. - Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v.  -To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. - To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. - Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. - Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only your wife's nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. - To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. - Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. - Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. - A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. - A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. - The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. - A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. - A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. - The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

And an additional word, contributed by our editor:

17.  Cataleptic, n. – The dance one does when they realize they’ve stepped in a hairball, in a completely dark hallway, on the way to the bathroom at 3 AM!


Why Lee Trevino Mows his own Lawn

One  day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a  professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas ,Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak  English?"

Lee  responded, "Yes Ma'am, I  do."

The  lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard  work?"

Lee  said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with  her."

The  lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped  off.


Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.  (Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.


Abbot and Costello Discuss Economics

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 14.7%

COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.

ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.

BBOTT: No, that's 14.7%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 14.7% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 7.8%.

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?

ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.

COSTELLO: If you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed.  You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss his point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work can't be counted with those who look for work. ?? It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment rolls that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how they get it to 7.8%. Otherwise it would be 14.7%. ?? Our govt. doesn't want you to read about 14.7% unemployment.

COSTELLO: That would be tough on those running for reelection.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an Economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the heck I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like Congress.


And speaking of priests ...

Catholic Recognition

Here is the latest from our newly ordained Pope Francis.  If you are Catholic or know a Catholic you'll appreciate this.

Pope Francis recently finished his sermon, ending it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind and asked if he could also bless gay people.

The Pope said, "Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."


Working in Retirement

Someone asked me, “Now that you’re retired, do you still have a job?

I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it."


Stuttering Cat

 - as explained by a 4th Grade student

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl.

"My kitty raised her back, went 'Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Ffffff,' but before she could say 'Fuck!,' the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.


RALPH AND EDNA

All things may not be what they seem to be.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.’


The Great Papal-Rabbinical Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The Rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the Rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue" said the Rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."


MEDALS

North Korean Officers' Medals

North Korean officers could be easily defeated with a giant magnet.


A Serious Senior

 In Case of Fire?


About The Senior Center ...

Entertainment Night at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center.  After the community sing, led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch --- Watch the watch."

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling, as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful antique gold pocket watch, that had been in Claude's family for six generations, fell to the stage and burst apart on impact."

"SHIT!" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center.

And Claude was never invited to entertain again.


Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor.  So he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him.  A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on; and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off, saying “No … no … no!  For the Son of God there’s no charge!  However, if I may … grant me a small favor?  Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice, new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?”

Jesus readily agreed and, as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein’s shop and noticed a huge line of people, all waiting for Finkelstein’s robes.  Jesus pushed his way through the crowd, to speak to him.

As soon as Finkelstein spotted him, he said, “Jesus … Jesus, look what you’ve done for my business!  Would you consider a partnership?”

“Certainly, Jesus replied.  “Jesus and Finkelstein sounds good.”

“Oh no-no,” said Finkelstein.  “Finkelstein and Jesus!  After all, I am the craftsman.”

The two of them debated this for some time.  Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful, and they came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.

A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:

You know you love this one; so tell your friends to visit The Humor Mill.


Trip to Italy

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


Engineering 101

You don't have to be an engineer to appreciate this story (but it helps).

A toothpaste factory had a problem.  They sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people.

They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, and third-parties selected. Six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality.

Everyone in the project was pleased. They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.

With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections, however, the next three weeks were zero!

The estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment, they verified the report as accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin.

He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."


This next page is full of those "Awww" level photos.

Animal Attraction
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